Fair readers, hark! It’s now that time
To heap our plates with mounds of rhyme
Let us celebrate the season
With a splurge of rhyme and reason
Leading off with much ado
Charlie Semine, Jenelle Chu
And as for Ethan Phillips, well
Let’s lead him to a bright Noel
Add some wooly stocking filler
For Ben Stanton and Nate Miller
Ex-Zu-ber-ant is our Ms. Catherine
Strum for her a mighty mand’lin
All three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts for Ayad Akhtar
Elves, be sure to sing, amuse
Herr direktor Douglas Hughes
Blessings rich be sure to shower
Trill out loud for Neugebauer
Leave some floor beneath trees barren
Place a gift for Mia Barron
Marketing, salute your boss
Amazing Linda Mason Ross
Deck the halls, send up a prayer
For our Ito Aghayere
Bradley, Means, and McIntyre:
Grace us with some swell attire
Esau Burgess, Steve Pasquale
Wishing them a happy hol
Light the fuse and shoot the cannon
All the best to P. J. Brannon
Share some yarns and crack old tomes
Tall tales share with Mr. Holmes
Mr. Bennett, skate and glide
Music, please, for Santa’s ride!
Lift a chair and dance the hora
(Oops! Wrong holiday: menorah!)
Crack the whip and mush the sleigh
For the brilliant Hattie K.
(Spare me now a tiny preachment:
Is it time for the impeachment?)
Can we hope it will be snowy?
Help us here, guys: Tony? Joey?
Steady now the Christmas cam
Snap some pix of Henry Stram
Grab the punch, fill to the brim
Empty it, Avia Lim
Matt (our Izzy), Matt (Raúl)
Guide us to the winter Yule
Ian, Adam, Ted, snap to it!
Mull some wine for our Ms. Hewitt
Ornaments shall deck the trees
So says dear Demosthenes
Mi-ri-am shall strum the lyre
For the hearty Christmas choir
Michael Si-ber-ry – our Leo
Brim with Aussie dash and brio!
Adam, Anne, Amanda, Phil
Fill the nights with your good will
Bring some bijoux, Santa Madam
Ira’s ready, so is Adam
Casting’s Cammy, Daniel Swee
Fill the season with some glee
Niebanck, Smithyman, and Peter
Take me to our fearless leader:
Mister Bishop, pin a stocking
Stuffed with Tonys (now we’re talking)
Trill, Team Tulsa! Team Miami!
Cut an album – win a Grammy!
Hey, Wolves actors: deck the halls
And while you’re at it kick some balls
Paola, Sarah, and Susannah
Raise your voices, sing hosannah
Tedra, Lizzy, and Midori
Tell us all the Christmas story
Yes, Samia, call on Jenna
Raise a glass with your pal Brenna
In the forests of DeLappe-land
Reindeers graze and hunting’s now banned
Animals – yes! -- will be o-kay
Burning bright to pull that wood sleigh
Let us hope the nights are starry
For Ms. Stevens and babe Ari
Jenny, Cody, add some glitter
Post on Facebook then on Twitter
Alexandra, ‘Drea, Kati:
You been nice or very naughty?
If it’s bad, you’ll draw a frown
From finance expert David Brown
And Julia will know to Judge
If anyone deserves a nudge
Toward good behavior in the workplace
All year round we need some safe space
No harassment! Joy instead!
Consent must reign o’er winter’s bed

Dear friends, the year went down and down
A dearth of virtue all around
Wide our mouths at each mean tweet
Left us starved for something sweet
So scarf a cookie, gulp some grog
Pull your kids up ‘round the log
Look forward to the sights unseen
And show some hope for year ‘18
With Dame Diana, make our start
Add Lauren, Harry, Norbert, Bart
Prepare to hurl a Cockney shout
As Ascot horses thunder out
And clear a path for Miss Doolittle
But let’s not yet besmudge, belittle
The glories still at L.C.T.
Junk bond salesmen, trim the tree!
Don’t be distracted (Bitcoin-crazed)
Toting up the dough you’ve raised 
While you count the Wolves are nearing
Dash ahead to the next clearing
Alas, my lads, you’re much too slow:
It’s women’s turn to run the show!

 

Brendan Lemon is the editor of lemonwade.com.